I haven’t been on a first date in over three years, I forgot how overwhelming it can be. It was over three weeks ago now and I’m not entirely sure how it went. So I’ll start at the beginning of a very condensed version without any names.
I signed up for OKCupid a few months ago, mainly for the quizzes, and I was swiping through pretty much sending a message to every cute guy I saw that was a reasonable age, and had at least an 80% compatibility rating and finally I had a response.
We chatted pretty regularly and after a week or so I asked to meet for coffee and we arranged to meet the following week in my local town centre, he didn’t drive but was willing to get the train.
We met up and hung out for a few hours. It was nice, we got on well, the conversation flowed nicely and we had a lot in common. We both have a love for terrible movies, we are both into really obscure musical genres, have a love of Disney (let’s be honest, that’s a must), and he was an animal lover with at least four pets. At the end I offered to take him to the train station and we said goodbye with a kind of awkward hug.
After the date we exchanged a couple of messages about him getting home safely and enjoying the meet. But like I said it’s been three weeks now, I’ve been on holiday, he’s been working and the talk has kind of fizzled out, not on my part. But this date has opened up a lot of stuff I thought I’d already dealt with but apparently haven’t done so enough.
I haven’t had many relationships in general, my first relationship was with a boy who now looking back had some pretty strange ideas about our relationship that I now know weren’t healthy, but this was the first boy I loved. This is also the boy I was with when I first received my diagnosis, and I didn’t really know what it meant, but I remember telling my friend I was going on the pill and she thought it was because I was becoming sexually active with my boyfriend and asked me “What does your Mum think?” And I said “Oh she thinks it’s a good idea!” completely missing her concerns and making her think my mother was like the Mom from Mean Girls.
My next serious relationship was a few years later when I met a guy I liked and we started seeing each other. I told him about my condition, but again this is when I didn’t really know much about it so when he asked what it was I told him that it was a condition that would make it hard for me to have kids one day. This relationship ended soon after that, over text of all things telling me he thought we were moving too fast, and I was putting unfair pressure on him.
Since then, I’ve been on a couple of kind of dates with an on old school friend who I knew had had a crush on me during school. He was the guy that when I was feeling shit about myself I’d reach out, we get talking and then soon enough he’d ask me out and maybe we’d go out a couple of time. But he has his own issues and I’m not ready for a relationship with that much responsibility. I’m not proud of how I’ve treated this friend in the past.
So when this guy from OkCupid took a liking to me, I thought hey, maybe this will end the cycle and so I went out with him. But then came all my fears and doubts, what if it goes terrible? What if it goes well and I want see him again? What if this is it? Should I be open and tell him about PCOS straight away? Or is that too forward? If I leave it and wait until we’ve been seeing each other for a while, will he feel like I have tricked him or hid something from him?
I don’t know if my last realtionship ended because I may have difficulty having children in the future, or if the fact I brought the subject up at all freaked him out, or if he just wasn’t ready for a relationship at all. But that is stuck in my mind and I can’t seem to get it out. People say when you meet your future partner you’ll know when its the right time. But when is the right time? I don’t want them to feel like I have trapped them into loving me, and then find out I’m actually a crazy emotional woman who is subject to her hormones, gets stressed over the littlest of things, and may have trouble conceiving which will make me even more stressed.
But I’m now at that age where people I went to school with are getting engaged, and married and having kids and I can’t help but to hear the loud ticking of my biological clock. Which I know is ridiculous. I’m twenty-four. I’m young and I have my whole life ahead of me. But that doesn’t stop the ticking.
In the end I think I need more dating practice. I know it will take time, and I’m definitely out of practice, and maybe knowing when to tell someone about PCOS will come with practice. I just can’t help but feel overwhelmed at the moment. I know, I need to make dating fun, and not take it too seriously at the moment, I am still young.
When was the last great date you went on? What made it great? Leave a comment below and let me know.